Never in my wildest dreams could I have ever imagined a pair of pants that I would refer to as “perfect”. When I first saw these jeans on the Life Files website, I almost crapped my pants. It’s a good thing I didn’t because my jeans are so tight now that nothing would be able to escape. More after the jump…Psyche! I just wanted to say “more after the jump”.

Notice how the calves are so tight that you’d think someone made a pair of jeans out of a blood pressure taking device. The top part sags just right as to confuse onlookers as to whether or not they’re loose or tight. Sheer genius. If that wasn’t enough, there’s suspenders that you could probably swap out with a pair of neon pink, polka dot ones to go with a corny Spike Lee wannabee biker’s cap.

I really hope this has Lycra in it because I’m running out right now to get a pair in a size -13